Today’s post is a guest post written by Mikhailla. She shares about her experience of losing a baby and her life after loss, and how it affects having a second baby.
Earth side for the very first time. I remember a moment in time where I felt disconnected and lost.
I felt like I had lost the chance to ever experience the privilege of parenting.
To hold and smell the newborn skin that lingers for weeks.
To see my baby drift off for a little nap as she snuggles in to my chest.
To hear the cries as she feels like the world is too big when we aren’t near.
The privilege of knowing you need someone as much as they need you.
I dreamed of this for far longer than you can imagine. Some people are born with the nurturing nature of being a parent while others grow into their role and desires.
I was one that was born with the nature to love and to give. I can remember playing with the neighbors children, baby sitting and being that ‘aunty’ to all my friend’s kids. Even my own wholeheartedly journey was born before my children would ever be. Hoping that one day I would be lucky enough to make sense of this lifetime.
My very first time being a mama would be far from the magic I ever dreamed. A wholehearted pregnancy to birthing my baby into the world followed by a nightmare I can’t seem to believe.
He was here one minute and in days he was gone. How could the world take away my son when it is all I ever wanted? I had been kind. I had loved. I had done everything a mother to be would do but life still chose me.
It chose us to feel the deepest pain. To lose a child. You can read about the birth and loss of our son here.
Then there she was.
The beats through my Doppler reminded me through this nightmare that she was real. That hope could be reborn and through the most unquestionable times in my life came the birth of our second child.
She was conceived within months of losing our son and born before his first birthday would have been. It was my time. I was finally an earth side mama for the very first time. ‘
This time, it would be for the lifetime I dreamed of. Being an earth side mama for the very first time is all that I hoped. Nights that are long. Feeds that are quiet. Days that are hazy.
I feel like I am finally alive, breathing, moving and in control of the dream I forever imagined.
Someone may often take for granted as their journey to parenthood may have come with ease. Each time I was woken during the night I felt a sense of relief. ‘You are really still here’.
Fearing that life could be cruel and take her away from me. I often disguise the fear I still really hold knowing that the world is not all that I ever hoped. That despite everything you do right bad things can still happen.
It is never far from my mind, the real fear of truly not being in control of this life.
If anything it is a true reminder to just live.
To live with intent that happiness comes first and feel it all at once. That’s why I am here. Here in the later hours of the night writing what my heart speaks to my mind. It resembles a shadow of happiness through the cracks. A true emotion of pure love. The love, the happiness that comes with earth side parenting is stronger than one could ever describe.
I have my bad days. The days in a parent’s life that test you, that make you feel like you don’t belong. I remind myself through my daughter’s bad days she does nothing but grow and that’s all I can do too. I can grow from every experience. Grow to shape me to be the mother she would always dream of too.
A perfect parent is not born but they are grown from the seeds that are planted.
What a privilege it is everyday to be here. To breathe easy knowing my heart is beating outside of my body. I longed for a day when I could look right back at the person I grew and say I love you to hear the worlds ‘I love you too’. I feel it when her eyes light up as bright as the sky as I reach for her hands to bring her close into mine.
The sweet little smile as I glance her way and the authentic giggles that reflect my poor humor but she will laugh anyways. It is all she knows. She knows me, us, our family. She knows love. She knows happiness. Her eyes light up with a story I know she will grow to tell me all about. She knows as much as I needed her, she needed us too. Sent from a world that no one can see.
My earth side baby, made not only for me but for the world to know too. I don’t consider myself healed but I consider myself lucky. Lucky that in the very same lifetime of pain and despair we will know joy and true love.
It is a pleasure to be an earth side mommy.
GUEST POST AUTHOR:
I am a mum of two, one on earth and one in heaven. At twenty four with age and health on my side I never imagined to experience a journey that has left me both heartbroken but also opened me up to a whole other world. A world of mothers who have been through the journey of life after loss. I choose to live life with an optimistic approach and a foundation of good health to inspire others that even through the darkest times in our life we can still breathe and feel joy. I deliver all aspects of my life and parenting through my blog www.wholeheartedly.com.au